The Vanilla Spouse– Round Table Discussion 18

Spanking Romance’s Round Table Discussion today is hosted by Katherine Deane and the topic is Vanilla Spouse.


I have always been interested in spanking and can’t remember a time when I wasn’t fascinated with spanking stories.  But I diligently ignored and repressed this interest for years, actually most of my life, as many of us did.
So the vanilla girl married the vanilla boy and stifled her love of spanking and they lived happily ever after.  Well … until the internet.  After reading the free stories over and over and over on Bethany’s Woodshed, I decided it was time to get a membership and tell the husband my deep, dark secret.  I still blush when I think about the embarrassment of telling him.  He was awesome, smiled a little and told me he could work with that.  He hugged me and told me that it was fine.  However, I played it off and nothing happened for years—13 years to be exact!!  Besides…we were busy and at that stage of our lives where you spent most of your time driving kids to activities and having more interrupted sex than privacy.  When time would allow, I would share stories and articles.  He told me about Spankingtube (and got me totally hooked) and he would swat me on the bottom but that was about all the activity that occurred.
Then, I started reading Cherise Sinclair’s books and she has an amazing article on her website, Beginning Domination.  I sent the link to my husband and he asked for that link several more times within a month.  I also sent him Devlin O’Neill’s book, Spank Her to read on his Kindle. I received my first spanking a year and a half ago and we have been playing since.
Many reading this are mortified that we spent so many years talking, reading, and sharing about spanking and not Doing spanking.  But this is what worked for us.
The biggest concern my husband has had:  he doesn’t want to hurt me.  All I want:  is for him to hurt me.  It is easier and less threatening if we make suggestions or talk when we are just hanging around the kitchen or if I send him pictures of what I want in a text message.   And if I patiently wait, he surprises me with an impromptu spanking.
I had a friend ask me recently, “What do you want out of this?  Do you want domestic discipline?”  And, I am not sure.   I think I would like a little domestic discipline with a little bit of D/s and a sprinkle of age play.   But for now, I am happy with getting a spanking a couple times a month when we can kick the kids out of the house and have privacy.  I cherish my texts from him that ask “How’s my girl today?”  Or “Have you been a good girl today?”
I knew we were progressing in This Thing We Do, when we had a fire in our dryer this past winter.  I smelled something burning and was running to find the source. It wasn’t in the kitchen, it wasn’t in the family room, and on my way back to the kitchen, I realized that it was in the laundry room.
I pulled the dryer door open and white smoke billowed out of the dryer.  I am screaming, “OMG there is a fire in the dryer!”
My calm, rational and logical husband sauntered into the room and said calmly (obviously having lost his sense of smell) “Maybe it’s steam.”
I shrieked loudly, “Steam!  It’s not steam!”
My normally very mild-mannered husband quickly turned on me, glaring and said in a very dominant, authoritative voice, “I don’t want you talking to me in that tone of voice!”
Blink, blink, blink.  I cleared my throat and said, “Oh, sorry.”
He continued to glare at me and then nodded at me before walking back into the laundry room to fiddle with the dryer.
Just for the record, I was right.  It wasn’t steam.  But I decided that I didn’t want to push it at that point and I let him figure it out on his own timetable.
And that is how we have progressed.  A little bit at a time.   As I submit, he becomes more dominant.  The more I say, “Honey, what do you want me to do about…?” he becomes more confident and he takes charge more.  It has been an adjustment for both of us.  I am not the most (coughs) submissive person.  He has joked, tongue in cheek, “is there such a thing as a controlling submissive?”
And every now and then he has surprised me walking into the room with his belt doubled over telling me to “bare your bottom and bend over the couch.” Or I have walked into the bedroom to hear the greeting, “take off your clothes and kneel by the bed” and he will walk toward me with a concrete paint stirrer.
Dan Savage of the Savage Lovecast has said, “BDSM is cops and robbers for grown ups with your pants down.”  That is exactly how it feels.  In the books it is so sexy and serious–they know just what to do.  They don’t have the dogs barking thinking he is hurting you or kids knocking at the door and they definitely don’t have a bad back or knee giving them trouble.
I have many days that I regret that we didn’t start this sooner— like when we were dating or first married.  If I could live my life over, I would have shared my desires very early in our relationship.  But then I know that things happen when they are supposed to happen.  We are happy and we are closer than ever.  Talking, reading, patience and humor are an integral part of This Thing We Do and we have exceeded expectations at this point in our marriage.


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18 thoughts on “The Vanilla Spouse– Round Table Discussion

  • Normandie Alleman

    Thanks for sharing about your journey. My sexuality and kinks have evolved over the years. Perhaps if you had been doing it for all those years you'd be bored and it wouldn't have the impact it does now. Who knows?

    As for vanilla spouses, I had one once. Now he's an ex-husband.

  • Stevie MacFarlane

    Great post. I think this is the way it happens for most couples, at least of the older variety. Many women of a certain age were not raised to just spit out, "Hey, this is want I want you to do for/to me". Thanks for sharing a gentler and actually more submissive approach. Not that I'm against those who can speak their minds, but it's not for everyone.

    • Megan Michaels

      Mmmmmm I think you just nicely called me old…..LOL Yes, this was the approach that I was comfortable with and the one he received. It has worked nicely for us. Thanks for stopping by!!

  • katherinedeane

    Excellent post, Megan!
    It is amazing how similar we are in both temperament and relationship wise.
    I felt like I could relate and have experienced almost everything you said.
    Well, except the cool belt thing in the living room and the quickie in the bedroom.
    But maybe if I send him that link you mentioned…
    oh, yeah, not demanding, just pushing- gently 🙂

    Thanks for sharing!!

    • Megan Michaels

      Send the link, it is really good and she writes it mainly for the dominant. He really liked it and I could see that he took it to heart. We are similar. Except I didn't see out a disciplinarian. God I want to hear more about that!!! Sounds amazing! We are newbies at this, but I do like it. We are all finding our way in this!

  • Tara Finnegan

    I loved your story, Megan. Its a real story of love and patience triumphing in the end.
    And as for knowing what you want out of it, I actually think what you want changes over time. But you two have gotten this far and I have no doubt, with a relationship like that, you both have the patience, understanding and love for one another to find your path, day by day.

  • Natasha Knight

    I love this post. I was shocked when I found out about the 13 years but as you say, it's what worked for you. It took us nearly as long because I couldn't share my secret. I think the little things like the texts or that 'don't talk to me in that tone of voice' can have the same effect as a spanking as far as the intimacy they build and so much of this is for intimacy. We're working on a safe word now in reverse – one so he knows he can keep going and to please keep going and yes, hurt me! Please. For each of us it's different and I like that we all talk about it and are open with each other – good and bad, happy, sad, disappointing or hot as hell.

    • Megan Michaels

      Did you notice I amended the 13 years. I used to say and he did nothing about it, but he took offense to it and says that it was because I never said anything again and backed off that made him reticent. So I will take the blame now too. LOL Maybe the safeword in reverse is a good idea!!! Hurt me, PLEASE!!! Yep it is what it needs to be for each of us. It works for us!!

  • Casey McKay

    Cops and robbers with your pants down… that made me laugh! Sometimes the joking and the talking about spanking and other things we might get up to later gets me going more than the actual act. So I do not think it is so terrible that you waited so long. At least you were talking about it!

    I feel like we have similar relationships with our husbands. Thanks for sharing your real life experiences!

    • Megan Michaels

      It is cops and robbers, isn't it?? Yeah, the talking builds the intimacy we are looking for and in all honesty I think it has the same effect as reading a story. It builds the anticipation. It seems by reading these posts, that we all have similar relationships.

  • Kathy

    Are you topping from the bottom Megan? At least you guys finally worked it out after a long while. It took a hundred years, but now hopefully everyone is a happy clam.