Don’t Compare–We Don’t Fit Into Boxes 15

The above meme showed up on Facebook about a month ago and I saved it.  It meant something to me at the time. Still does. And today, instead of finishing another book, I’ve decided to write a blog post on this meme. I heard someone else say something this week that brought this to the forefront again. They were sad and not reading spanking romance, because it hurt too much.

So many times in life we become hurt or insecure because we compare ourselves or define ourselves by titles and boxes that we don’t fit into.

I’ve spent the better part of my married life wishing my husband would just read my mind and spank the living daylights out of me –he’d have to be a mind reader, because I gave no clues or hints. As many of you have heard already, by the time I finally told him about my kink–twelve years into our marriage–he was very receptive. We talked about it,  shared videos, he agreed to my membership to Blushing, and supported all the purchases for spanking romance books. But that was it. Nothing else. Finally ten years later, when life slowed down a little and the kids were in college, we started to play. He says now that I downplayed it — A LOT and he didn’t know how far to push it and out of embarrassment I didn’t push it either.

We have moved quite a bit in our D/s relationship in two years, and we’ve moved by leaps and bounds in just one year. I keep promising to do a post on our progression and I promise I will-maybe next week 🙂

But for today’s post, I want to stay away from that—I want to talk about moving in your OWN direction–not anyone else’s rules or edicts.  I see so many rules and boxes for TTWD–there are rules on what constitutes DD, D/s, M/s, rules and guidelines on who is a submissive vs. a slave, and how to know if you are only pretending to be a submissive. On the flip side, there are just as many rules for Doms, how to spot a fake one, he needs to be alpha, strong, dominant, rules oriented, not weak yet sensitive, but not wishy washy, yet malleable, and patient, yet stern.

And one of the rules you learn quickly scouring the web is:  NEVER, EVER, top from the bottom.  says this on the topic:  “Topping from the bottom is when you simultaneously adopt both roles.
This could be in the form of giving commands, refusing requests or
moving to control the location of impacts during play.”

Recently someone said publicly, on Facebook, that I top from the bottom, insinuating that what we have isn’t real. It hurt. I cried and agonized over it for weeks. And then realized that it really didn’t matter. Every couple is different, every couple does things their own way and moves at their own pace. It’s like parenting, housekeeping, sex, or anything else in marriage. How Bill and Carol do it, will never by the way Jamie and Kyle do it. And the success of every marriage is how well the couple gets along (and I believe a great sense of humor).


Do I top from the bottom? Is that viewed as play-acting vs. “authentic” D/s?  Probably. Is that upsetting to me? More than likely some days. Is my husband happy as a pig in shit, regardless?  Yes, every single damn day.  Am I happy as a kid in the candy store?  Yes, all the time…..except when I look at others or try to fit into titles and boxes.

If I lived in Kansas, in the 1860s and my  husband and I played and he switched my ass in the barn because I refused to sit on his lap or he told me to wear a butt plug and I left it in the middle of the kitchen table instead—we’d laugh and play spanky games in the barn until the wee hours of the night, crawling into bed happy and sated from our little sexcapades.


And, because of judgment, titles, boxes, rules, and guidelines on how to be a submissive–I pause and hesitate before misbehaving, thinking, “Well, I’d think it’s funny and he’d laugh I’m pretty sure, but it’s not very submissive and it doesn’t fall into the rules of how I should behave as a submissive….so I guess I’ll do this instead.”

Except I’ve turned over a new leaf, now I pretend I live in Kansas in 1860 and I do whatever the fuck I want to.  And you know what, he DOES laugh. If I want to be spanked, I ask. If I feel like being sassy and want to misbehave, I do it.  And when he spanks me for it, we both love it. And if he orders me to bend over for inspection, I do it without hesitation. I’m not always sassy, I’ve come a long way and am amazed at how quickly I comply to orders before I can go to bed. But he likes the sassy, mouthy, semi-submissive woman in his house–he’s been married to her for twenty-six years.

That’s been a pretty long dissertation, but I’m positive I’m not alone. I’m pretty sure there are a few of us out there thinking that everyone is having a grand ole time in their marriage and that they never have doubts or concerns or worries.  And there are a ton of us out there worrying that we don’t know what category we fall into, what title, what box, and are we DD or D/s?

And there are also a TON of people out there that are enforcers and creators of rules and guidelines—be careful who you hurt. I believe that some truly have no idea that they have hurt us–it is done unintentionally.While others, go out of their way to be hurtful and judgmental.

The Dominant Guide says:  “Topping from the bottom is too often used to cow people into
silence or unhealthy submission, particularly if it’s used in public
ways that are perceived to attack someone’s identity as a submissive. If it makes someone else feel ashamed or smaller, then
ultimately it’s going to hurt the relationship. Which is hopefully, not
something you want to do. Use with care. My opinion. As always, mileage may vary.”


I’m hoping this post makes one person, or more, feel better today. And this is something I have to remind myself, regularly.


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15 thoughts on “Don’t Compare–We Don’t Fit Into Boxes

  • Natasha Knight

    Love this post. Actually, when you have anything like this, I immediately open it and read it – and this morning I was late waking up my daughter for school for it!! So true though – don't compare. You never know the whole story and what you may be doing is (as you said) comparing your behind the scenes to their highlights. I think this is one of the reasons I stay off social media and prefer to have close friendships in private rather than in public with the behind the scenes stuff in people's lives.

  • abby

    What makes life so interesting is that we are all different…and enjoy different things….that is how we learn from others. The trick is taking what works for us, and leaving what doesn't behind.
    I think you should re-post this yearly…it should be read by many….and required for those just starting out on their journey.
    hugs abby

    • Megan Michaels

      Wow, what a compliment. I may take your suggestion and post it every year. I think it has been the biggest roadblock in our walk in TTWD. I love that we are all different, it's avoiding the criticisms and voices telling you what you're doing is wrong. Thank you again, I'm glad you enjoyed it 🙂

  • Rachel de Vine

    Great post. As the great William Shakespeare said "This above all, to thine own self be true." Some people can be judgemental and critical without even realising it. The nice thing about growing older is that you care less about other people's opinions, and learn to go your own way, but the barbs can still get past the armour occasionally. What is right for you and your loved ones is the most important thing.

  • BJ Wane

    Excellent post Megan. In the past nine years I've written 16 erotic spanking romances yet only my 2 closest friends know how I spend my days. My husband's not into any of it, which is okay with me. We've 'played' at the spanking, he's even bought me the implements, but we usually end up laughing! After barely surviving a devastating car accident just seven months after we were married then losing one of our beloved daughters to a brain aneurism a few years ago, we welcome anything that brings us a little pleasure.

    • Megan Michaels

      Oh my God, BJ, I'm so sorry. That's so upsetting, and I can see how anything that brings pleasure would be of utmost importance at this point. That was a reality check for the day. Thank you for sharing.

  • DH

    "Is my husband happy as a pig in shit regardless?" Omg. YES. This is one of the best blog posts I've read in a while, and I'm lucky to share your husband's happy fate. Julia have also decided to ignore opinions, and we are so in tune! Love this.

    • Megan Michaels

      I'm so glad! He doesn't understand how I can cry over someone else's opinion, and many days gets pissed about it–as he says, his opinion should be what makes me happy. And, like you, he's ecstatically happy, so to hell with everyone else 🙂 I'm so happy with how this has been received, I knew I couldn't be alone in this. Thank you.

  • Alexis Alvarez

    This is a wonderful article! I'm glad you are confident and happy in your relationship. What you have is perfect for you. As long as you're happy and laughing together and doing all your other, you know, *stuff* with pleasure, then it's all good! 🙂 Nothing wrong with topping from the bottom, in any case, regardless of whether you do it or not yourself. If the couple in question is happy, then that's all that matters.